Chapter IV.
The National Mythology of Albion, According to Themselves:
1. Sir Winston Churchill Invented Fire
Not Prometheus, not some Homo erectus from Africa.
No, Churchill with a cigar in one hand and a match in the other set Europe ablaze, and then explained it was all âfor freedom.â He got applause, whisky, and the Nobel Peace Prize in the heart of every English pub.
Alternative history claims he also invented the âEnglish Polite Fireâ where you smile courteously, then bomb Dresden.
2. Charles Darwin Personally Impregnated a Monkey
Naturally for the love of science. He was gentle, meticulous, used only empiricism and two lab tweezers.
It wasnât copulation, it was a controlled experiment under royal supervision. The result? The Englishman: made in the image of a monkey, but with a top hat and an instinctive contempt for the rest of the world.
3. Newton Fell Out of the Apple Tree and Discovered Gravity, Moral Law, and the Gentlemanâs Code
Anyone else hit by an apple would just shout, âOuch.â
Newton: âThat was an impulse, an axiomatic imperative. I shall make three fat volumes in Latin out of it, quarrel with Leibniz, and declare myself the center of the universe, eventually confessing my love to myself.â
Legend has it, the apple didnât fall at all, it jumped off the tree in disgust at the thought of landing on an Englishman.
4. Queen Elizabeth I Invented the Internet, but Didnât Patent It, Because She Was a Lady
With a fan and a sharp glance, she set the first TCP/IP protocols. Thanks to her, we have emails, memes, and fake news though England doesnât boast about it too loudly, so Americans can keep thinking it was their invention.
After all, why spoil their illusion?
5. Margaret Thatcher: The Only Person Who Could Out-Argue God, but Decided Not To
Made of reinforced concrete, national pride, and molten sulfur. She could privatize metaphysics. Sold the minersâ souls for the poundâs exchange rate and made them thank her for it. Judgement Day? âI closed it for unprofitability.â
6. David Attenborough Personally Spoke to Every Animal on Earth
Every lion knows him by name. Ants step aside for him on the sidewalk. Dinosaurs didnât go extinct, they just politely left when Sir David asked, âCould you vanish? Itâll look better in the documentary.â
Albion doesnât need myths, they write them faster than the rest of the world can invent reasons to argue.
National mythology, ready for print bound in leather from the lexicon, stamped with the Royal Societyâs seal.
đ Symposium of Imperial Truth
Lecture Topic:
âColonialism â The Gift of Civilization That Primitive Peoples Received with Inexplicable Reluctance.â
Under the patronage of Upper-Uppington University and the Royal Society of Imperial Bootlickers.
đď¸ PROF. EUSTACE MORRIS TWEEDMOUTH-WAXINGTON
(Specialist in Transcontinental Theology, retired missionary in Burundi)
– Colonialism was like the Extended Edition of the Bible, except sometimes you had to add a musket for the full reading experience. We brought light, and if some people didnât want to look? Well, sometimes you had to open their eyes literally. We taught savages to read in English. That they read in their own way? Details. English is the language of God, only written in Times New Roman. Arial is tolerated in Sub-Saharan Africa.
đď¸ LADY OPHELIA BRAMBLEDOWN-GENTRY
(Expert on Colonial Etiquette, author of âHow to Elegantly Colonize the Wildernessâ)
– Africa before us was like an untended lawn, so much potential, not a single proper hedge. Thanks to our care, today they have airports. That we took a few diamonds along the way? Diamonds love to travel, theyâre terribly sentimental.
– India? People starved, but at least they did so in order, with a ticket for our train. Isnât that what civilization is all about punctuality?
đď¸ SIR BASIL MINT-GARBAGE
(Historian of War, Consultant for Psychoactive Substances in Eastern Affairs)
– The Opium Wars? That was a delicate intervention for the expansion of consciousness. We merely wanted to open the eyes of the Chinese to the world, they called it drugging the nation. They didnât get that opium was a bridge to transcendence, not just a commodity.
đď¸ LORD JEREMIAH CANDLESTICK-MUTTON
(Postcolonial Geopolitician, author of âAustralia: Our Gift to Earthâ)
– Sending criminals to Australia? An ecological act of mercy. We gave the world a continent that was empty anyway (because we didnât recognize anyone as human there), so⌠Today, we have boomerangs in every souvenir shop thatâs what you call heritage. And letâs not forget: no other nation could so efficiently separate guilt from their own conscience. The islands stayed pure all the dirty work was exported.
đď¸ PROF. NIGEL HARDTRUTH-MONCRIEFF
(Specialist in Moral Education for the Colonized, Imperial Modesty Order Laureate)
– It wasnât colonialism that was brutal. It was their resistance that was impolite. We came with a geometry textbook and a Bible; they threw spears. Today, we call it âcultural conflict,â but really, it was just a failed exam in gratitude.
đď¸ DAME BOTXIA MARMITE-SNODGRASS
(Ethnographer and proponent of the âThank You, Empireâ philosophy)
– Anyone who criticizes the Empire should try living a week without English words, without cricket, and without Worcester sauce. Letâs see who begs for recolonization first. Our acquisitions werenât theft, they were civilizational adoption. All for their own good, of course.