Chapter VII.
Brigham Young

The Divine Control Freak

Sure, Joseph Smith was the prophet, but the utopia Mormons built? That’s all Brigham Young.
Not the guy with the revelations—the guy who made a system out of them.

Brigham Young: administrator, boss, full-blown strategic operator.
After Smith’s death, Young grabbed the wheel and turned a wild religion into a social structure.

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Builder of an Empire and the Mormon Dream

He ran the exodus across the wilderness. Founded Salt Lake City and settled 100,000 people, built cities, irrigation, and the whole damn civilization.

He brought in iron discipline—for the flock and the clergy.
Set up the code of daily life—what we now call „LDS social norms”.

Invented the Mormon family model (faithful husband — obedient wife — lots of kids),
laid down the Church’s financial structure (tithing! schools! investments!).

Joseph Smith had a dream.
Brigham Young built a city out of it.

He made the Church into a social machine that could:
survive the world’s hostility, go global, produce strong loyal citizens,
and do it all without an army—just rules that run like genetic code.

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Mormon Moral Code

A mashup of Old Testament bans, biblical pep talk, and corporate life rules,
enforced so tightly—Jesuits take notes.

What’s banned? What’s required?

1. No Substances (The Word of Wisdom)

No alcohol (not even beer, not even chocolate liqueur).
No coffee or tea (they’ll argue about herbal, but better not risk it).
No tobacco (cigs, cigars, snuff—you’re out).
No drugs (unless prescribed by a Mormon doctor, preferably out the window).

2. Sexual Purity

Sex only after marriage.
Masturbation—not recommended (but let’s be real, Mormon teens talk about it like factory accidents—everyone’s heard stories, nobody admits it).
Marriage is holy, here and forever—best if sealed in the temple; divorce is a sin, though nowadays no one gets stoned for it outside Walmart.
Polygamy? Once the standard, now officially banned—though some Utah offshoots still collect wives like stamps.

3. Family is Everything

Family = center of the universe.
Every Sunday: family time. Every Monday: „family home evening” (mandatory home sermon and board games).
Lots of kids—the more, the better shot at a heavenly mansion with a yard.
Kids in Mormon homes are like potatoes—you don’t count, just hope you’ve got enough for winter.

4. Honesty, Hard Work, No Debt

Mormons are supposed to be honest, reliable, hardworking—if you start cutting corners in business, you’re out faster than a Polish guy at Lidl caught stealing sausage.
Avoid debt, run tight home accounting, and save „for a rainy day” (kids are taught to stockpile for a year!).

5. Tithing and Social Service

Every Mormon gives 10% of income to the Church—no arguments.
On top: “fast offerings” (two meals a month for charity),
and required community service (helping neighbors, church events, „salvation logistics”).

6. No Swearing, No Porn

Cussing—absolutely not.
(Exception: drop a hammer on your foot, “Oh butterfly legs!” is okay.)
Porn—mortal sin, constant topic at meetings,
Church sponsors „addiction recovery” and internet blocks for youth.

7. Respect Authority, Be Disciplined

Obey the leaders—if the prophet says it, that’s how it is.
Missionary service—almost every young Mormon hits the road: black suits, bikes, two-year missions, even Mongolia.

8. No Gambling, No Bad Company

Vegas? Not for Mormons!
Video games? In moderation—preferably strategy, where your conscience wins.

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The Mormon Code, 21st Century Edition:

Don’t drink, don’t swear, don’t play poker, and if you have to sin—do it with humility and make a note for Saturday penance.

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