Chapter VIII.
Mormon Miracles

Every Religion Needs Miracles

This is a whole new league of American religious imagination.
Everything’s bigger, shinier, more bulk-rate—like someone imported Walmart logic straight into the world of salvation.
But Mormon miracles?
They’re so unique that even the Catholic Church’s miracle catalog can’t match the size, bureaucracy, or sheer creativity.

Walk into a Mormon temple and there’s no angel with a harp waiting for you—
you get an IT system,
an underground archive the size of two Costcos,
and a customer service desk that’ll hook you up with a baptism—even after you’re dead.
Because in Mormonism, efficiency is everything.

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Baptism for the Dead—Salvation On Demand

Got ancestors?
Doesn’t matter if they were serfs, thieves, or Mongolian shamans.
Mormons have them all in Excel—everyone’s in a row, with a death date and a cemetery number.

You jump into the baptismal pool—get dunked for your grandpa, grandma, aunt, and seven generations back.
They all get an upgrade to eternal life,
whether they like it or not.
Mormon logistics doesn’t ask, it just gets it done.

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Golden Plates and On-Demand Revelations

Picture this: Smith in a barn in upstate New York, angel Moroni pops in and hands over golden plates, to be read through magic stones.
He reads? Yep.
Plates vanish? Of course!
Proof? Not needed!
Here, you don’t argue, you just update to the new version of faith,
like Windows:

„Mormon 3.1—now with revelations for everyone!”

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Underground Archives and Soul Backup

Picture vaults the size of several Costcos,
but instead of potatoes or canned peas, the shelves are loaded with microfilmed souls of the dead—going back to the dinosaurs.

Your great-great-grandma’s baptism certificate from Bieszczady?
Check.
List of slaves from the Love Plantation in Louisiana?
Check.
Funeral notice for Samuel from Kalisz, lost on a hunting trip?
They’ve got it, and every month they update, so no soul ever slips out of the system.

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The Miracle of American Community

Mormons are the only big sect that built their own city-state (Salt Lake City) and pretty much nailed the “Christian corporation” model—complete with laws, a bank, and even their own courier company.

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Everyday Miracles—The Divine Helpdesk

Here, miracles aren’t “Mary appeared on my windowpane.”
Miracles are functional, with a reference number:

„God, help me find a parking spot at Walmart.”
– Done, prayer processed, spot #17, thanks for using the service.

Need a wife?
Check the archive, pick one from the catalog, each with a certificate of authenticity and a bonus for having lots of kids.

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Faith Upgrades—Now With More Features!

The rules change faster than a kebab shop menu after a tax hike.
The current Prophet wakes up, gets a revelation and—
bam! New version of the salvation system, straight from Salt Lake City (MacBook compatible).
Now: no more polygamy, and on Saturdays you can have decaf coffee—as long as you don’t gaze at the espresso machine with lust.

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