Gabryjelâs Final Address to the Galactic Council:
âAlbion versus the Rest of the Universeâ
Esteemed Council,
I have not come for revenge. I have come to call things by their names. And if that name happens to be Sir Fucked-Out-of-Context the Third, so be it, it wasnât my idea.
I stand here as a witness to history, a former user of the teapot, to testify against an empire that made tea into a religion, hypocrisy into an ethos, and its own defeat into a cultural export.
1. Inventions Pulled Out of Their Ass
The English claim they invented everything: science (Newton), evolution (Darwin), light (Faraday), good literature (Shakespeare), and politeness so sharp itâll gut you and then apologize. I donât know about you, Council, but for me itâs absurd that a nation whose cuisine tastes like cardboard still believes in its own omniscience.
2. Colonialism: The World Tour of Filth and Moral Coaching
Theyâd show up, take your land and identity, then say: âYou should be grateful. We brought you civilization.â Itâs like being assaulted and left with a leaflet, â10 Steps to Self-Improvement.â
3. Churchill Wasnât God, But in the UK Itâs a Fine Distinction
The guy who set the world on fire became the icon of freedom, though he had as much to do with liberty as the lords have with work. When Poland gave its life for Enigma, England gave its narrative for an Oscar.
4. Brexit: Ritual Self-Removal of the Brain
Leaving the EU to âregain sovereigntyâ ended with even their own cuisine abandoning them. Strawberries rot, fish are voting to return to the sea.
5. Shakespeare Immortal, Literary Necrophilia
Every phrase from Google Translate, if it sounds English, is instantly a Shakespeare quote. Hamlet, Harry Potter, anything that rhymes and isnât from India, must be theirs.
6. The Monarchy: A Puppet Show of Memes, Hats, and Funerals
The royal family is a simulation of national unity. No one rules, but everyone kneels.
If itâs not signed, at least itâs sold to the BBC.
Albionâs Mythology (in brief):
- Churchill invented fire and polite bombing of Dresden.
- Darwin impregnated a monkey, and thus the Englishman was born: top hat, contempt for the rest of the world.
- Newton got hit by an apple, fought with Leibniz, and became the center of the universe.
- Shakespeare wrote everything quoted in London and Bali.
- Queen Elizabeth I invented the Internet but didnât patent it out of courtesy.
- Margaret Thatcher privatized metaphysics and made people thank her for it.
- James Bond won every war but never brags about it over tea.
- David Attenborough talked to every animal; dinosaurs hid themselves for the BBC.
And so I ask the Council: treat Albion not as a nation of reason, but as a nation of PR. I donât want revenge. I want historical sobriety. Let Albion stay on the map, but let it stop bullshitting that it invented the Earth.
And just one line to end:
âNever have so many been so effectively manipulated by so few, with such a refined accent.â
Thank you.
Prince Gabryjel, recycled sage, honorary archbishop of tea.
đŻď¸ Postscript: Albion is gone. The myth evaporated, the mask fell, the colonial spirit diluted itself in soy latte and global TV series. But as long as the world believes in tea with milk, it will keep listening to Englishmen explaining why âamazingâ means âours.â